Wednesday
Holiday Gifting Do-Over!
"Introducing the Nicolas Cage Adventure Set! The magic and wonder of one of the most dynamic figures of the 21st century comes home in this incredible playset (one might even call it a Colorforms set, if "Colorforms" was not a registered trademark of the University Games Corporation). Reusable vinyl stickers cling like magic to glossy backdrops! Mix and match accessories! Peel and re-peel to create new scenes! The fate of Nicolas Cage is in your hands!
Each set includes a double-sided 8.5 x 11 inch play background (depicting "tropical island" and "haunted castle" environments) and one 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of nine vinyl cling stickers: 3 full-body Nicolas Cages, battle axe, skateboard, ice cream cone, scary ghost, parrot, and space helmet."
SWEET!
I only wish it came with switchable hairpieces.
Tuesday
Bingo
I am housebound not because I have agoraphobia or because I am snowed in, but because my only fitting pair of jeans have given up where the fat stores of my inner thighs have worn worn worn away the fabric.
I have jeans in a smaller size, of course, from before I discovered the emotional healing powers of Paula Deen's Nutty Brittle and sure, maybe I washed it down with a month's worth of good vodka. And some rolls and butter. And a roast cow. So now they won't zip up over my gently undulating rolls of fat.
Why do I have to relearn the same things every year? An octupus - an octupus! - can open a mayonaisse jar, for Pete's sake, and I can't remember that eating crap every day makes me bust up a pants size? Just how small is my brain, really? The size of a chocolate-covered almond?
Saturday
How to foil terrorists: Make airplanes out of Charlie Sheen
Gawker is right, the dude is indestructable:
"Charlie Sheen could burn down the Chateau Marmont with His Holiness the Dali Lama in it after getting too crazy with his homemade meth lab, and Hollywood wouldn't hesitate to give him the leading role in a six-picture feature adaptation of Redwall as the lead mouse. And he'd win an Oscar for it."Why? Why do we put up with his wife-beating, crude, conspiracy-loving ways? Is it all just because his red-rimmed eyes and wry smile somehow imprinted on us in a moment when we went all vulnerable and believed we, too, were friends of Bueller?
Friday
Oh, come now
While some might disagree with the Pope, I'd like to think that, upon hearing of his smackdown, no one actually popped a cork.
Monday
If I am not mistaken, this year has (mostly) blown goats.
Today is the shortest, darkest day.
In my heart, this year has been just brutal. People have died, people have acted badly, children have been frighteningly ill. I am over it. I hope, as 2009 leaves, that the door hits it on the ass on the way out.
In my heart, the year is starting fresh tomorrow morning.
Sunday
Thursday
Meet me in the third row center and bring extra tabs of acid!
But why is Depp playing the Mad Hatter as channeled by Elijah Wood?
Wednesday
On the somethingsomething day of shopping, my true love bought for me . . .
*7" Seated Plush Character that shakes and makes a farting sound with 7 hilarious random remarks.
Truly the perfect way to celebrate the birth of Our Lord. Thanks, Baby Jesus!
Monday
Tuesday
Mabel, One And Only
Have I mentioned Mabel?
When we moved to our new house, the landlord said we could have a dog. I announced to my household, while breathing far too excitedly into a paper bag, that I would be methodical, damn it, and not make us all victim to my latest whim and not - not - jump the dog gun and insist we grab the first pooch we saw.
Of course I did.
And so I started looking at shelter web sites and rescue web sites and I stumbled about a bit on Craigslist. On Craigslist, I found an ad about how this gal had scooped up a black lab/Shepard puppy, that she had taken her from a yes-kill shelter, where the puppy was next in line for a'killin'. I dutifully announced that, oh my children, we will go and squint suspiciously at this puppy, yes, but we were not - not - going to grab her and run with all the love we had to offer. No. I had done that before and ended up with more than one slavering, insane mammal. I had Learned. I would be Circumspect.
And then we saw this:
then
Reader, I married him.
And of course from the time I knew we could start looking (cautiuously, cautiously) to the time she came home with us was under 48 hours. Seriously. At least I am consistently ridiculous.
Jaysus, but puppies are hard. I knew it and I dreaded it, and still, we have a Christmas tree jacked up on the coffee table, and bitter spray for the now-ripped carpet corners, and a hacked-and-torn garden sprinkler system and manymany dollars handed over to the dog trainer and chewy things underfoot that reek of dead goat feet, because they are dead goat feet.
now
I'm thinking she needs a sidekick so she can go on adventures, someone small, like a terrier or corgi, who wears a monocle and makes her explain her deductive reasoning. No.
When I moved to sunny, warm, sexy California,* I expected warmth and sun. And sexy. So, why is the birdbath frozen solid?
*Dramatic foreshadowing. They use it in drama. Or maybe I am being sarcastic. I can't tell.
Saturday
Sketchy Santas
Thursday
Tuesday
On the third day of shopping, my true love gave to me . . .
Rings that look like fossils . . .
this helpful gadget,
and this upsetting thing!
when you are so anal that you must cover your dog's butt with a decorative sticker?
We call that a "serial killer red flag."
We call that a "serial killer red flag."
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