iMaxi

This is from Etsy:

iMaxi - The Apple iPad Case with Protective Wings
Introducing Hip Handmaids’ exclusive iMaxi—the only Apple iPad case made with protective wings! With its durable vinyl outer layer and plush, quilted-cotton sleeve, the iMaxi helps keep your iPad clean and dry. Plus, the iMaxi's Velcro-latched, advanced wing design wraps snugly around your device, so your iPad always stays where it should. Best of all, it shields it from all those unsightly and embarrassing data leaks that would make any motherboard worry! Each handmade iMaxi can be easily customized to fit your active lifestyle. Choose from white, white/red, or all-red interior options. Or if you don’t see a color you like, just ask! We can even use red thread on the interior for that special…uh…“lived in” look.

PRE-ORDER YOUR iMaxi CASE TODAY!

I don’t want an iPad, but it's tempting to get one, if only to be able to pull this case out on the subway.

Acronyms

The "Sh!t My Dad Says" TV concept has just cast William Shatner as the dad. This, to me, is huge, huge news. It's turning my February frown upside down: Shatner is one of my ILO - "Inexplicable Lust Objects."

Really, seeing how it feels to admit this thing to you, I suppose he's more like an SILO - "Shamefully Inexplicable Lust Object." See also: Alec Baldwin. From all I know, Baldwin is one heck of a piece of work in his private life, but he shows up in my teevee and I luff him anyway.

Some Shatner life trivia for you: He . . .

Dude. Shatner is fluent in French and Esperanto. CMIS!*

*Catch me, I'm swooning.

 

Okay, and then there's this:

hating today

I feel you should know that I am, right now, wearing the world's most unflattering sweater.

It's one of those sweater that should be fine, but in actuality sets off one's backfat until it is a veritable mogul run of flesh, encased in quickly pilling acrylic. The thing about a bad sweater is that you're stuck with it all day. Until 5 p.m., at the earliest, I am encased in this thing. Sausaging my fat. It's aesthetic torture. 

Santa Cruz

Cops responded to a call of a man screaming and holding on to a tree for dear life.

But haven't we all been there, really?

Other news - residents feel overwhelmingly happy in Santa Cruz (as long as they didn't get a bad tab).

Why the divorce rate is so high

It all started when they began exchanging notes of affection based on bad puns, set in muted, sickly colors, which slowly infected their hearts until, sickened, they could stand it no longer, took the dog and the taller of the two children, and left, keys still in the door.

Slimed.

Breaking news! GHOSTBUSTERS 3 is coming!

Whoever said Hollywood is only chasing the almightily dollar must be

pretty embarrassed right now.

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

While I do not have mental health training, I do own a long-term subscription to Entertainment Weekly and have a honorary advanced degree in Teeveeology, so I feel fairly confident when I say this: You do not have a hoarding problem. You have a messy problem.
 
Yes, the amount of stuff you have is technically "a lot," which is the exact technical term for the measurement of junk owned by any 20-something feamle who has been in the Hollywood machine for twenty-plus years. As a starlet, you have been given clothing and accessories and bought clothing and accessories and maybe "borrowed" some extra clothing and accessories. You do not have not enough money for an assistant to put things away and a maid to clean and a hot carpenter to make you a rotating shoe closet*, but your racks of clothes organized by color and shoes neatly in boxes with a color photo on the front of each box and the clutter in extra bedrooms, a.k.a. , out of the way? Not Hoarding.
 
Stop watching reality TV, go donate to charity the many pants and sparkle tees you could only really wear two rehabs ago, slap on a nicotine patch and begin the long soak needed for your tobacco-stained fingers into something bleachy. And get thee to a shrink for everything else.
 
Your friend,
Wretch


*Overboard shout out!

Oh, Vanity Fair! You are adorable!

Up and coming young Hollywood actresses, eh? The ones "the ones looking to breakthrough and become household names"? I don't see Gabourey Sidibe in this spread. You know, that fat, black girl who just got her first Oscar nomination? Maybe she would just ruin the look of your size two, white girl buffet.